tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post8791886940481234040..comments2023-09-09T02:48:19.124-07:00Comments on Love Stories: DoReMi... A Contest in VoiceAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01332426347997158850noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-45411008356108860022011-03-21T15:39:21.938-07:002011-03-21T15:39:21.938-07:00I was about to make the same suggestion that Nicol...I was about to make the same suggestion that Nicole did--it pulls me out of the story--and I think your fix would work.<br /><br />Otherwise, this is a great opening: relatable, and sympathetic.<br /><br />Good luck with the contest!Angelica R. Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09448717076699744259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-31380005679000114392011-03-21T13:01:46.819-07:002011-03-21T13:01:46.819-07:00Nicole,
I love your suggestion! I think it really ...Nicole,<br />I love your suggestion! I think it really helps with the YA voice. How's this?<br /><br />Ravi’s lips were soft and familiar against mine, but my mind was elsewhere. I was so not ready for my history final and should have been back at the dorm, studying.<br /><br />CyndiAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01332426347997158850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-12606769536141589032011-03-21T12:39:53.920-07:002011-03-21T12:39:53.920-07:00Great sense of tension and action! You nailed the ...Great sense of tension and action! You nailed the YA voice. The only thing I could think to change is to maybe have Lindsey think about her finals instead of being told that she's obsessing about them. Maybe something like:<br /><br />Ravi’s lips were soft and familiar against mine, but my mind was elsewhere. I was so not ready for my science final.<br /><br />Other than that, this is great! I would definitely read on!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-11599024401250117042011-03-21T12:05:51.618-07:002011-03-21T12:05:51.618-07:00Okay I love the conflict you set up so early, and ...Okay I love the conflict you set up so early, and your dialogue, tension, pacing, everything's fantastic. The only thing I would change is I would try and find a different first line. I feel you could hook us a lot quicker, and that the rest of your entry is so strong that you do yourself a disservice by not having a stronger first line.Kalen O'Donnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02131133469192904315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-13328098248722372332011-03-21T11:11:00.395-07:002011-03-21T11:11:00.395-07:00I think this is really great start, an action scen...I think this is really great start, an action scene but it's hard to say if it's too fast without seeing the other couple of pages that follow. You CERTAINLY have a great voice here : )Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-49565377562891038402011-03-21T09:38:51.909-07:002011-03-21T09:38:51.909-07:00Sophia- Thanks for your comment. You are spot on. ...Sophia- Thanks for your comment. You are spot on. They are indeed headed for an accident. Check out the book page for the blurb: http://ctefft.blogspot.com/p/between-ya-paranormal-romance-novel.html<br /><br />Lindsay- Glad you like it! I actually wrote 50 pages before this scene, but cut them out during the editing process in order to engage the reader right away!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01332426347997158850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-30284943266916631832011-03-21T09:02:39.982-07:002011-03-21T09:02:39.982-07:00Wow, I love this snippet but for some reason, I fe...Wow, I love this snippet but for some reason, I feel like a lot has already happened, like this falls somewhere later in the MS rather than the first 250 words. Great work in the tension department though, I can feel the character's conflict vividly and would definitely read on!! http://www.veritasoccultus.blogspot.comLindsay N. Curriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16347055390748782853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3423948796662031059.post-90846999244575926132011-03-21T07:57:27.786-07:002011-03-21T07:57:27.786-07:00Talk about your conflict, dropping us into the mid...Talk about your conflict, dropping us into the middle of a break up scene? Eesh, poor guy. I'm definitely curious to see where this is headed, whether they'll still be friends after his use of the L word and her pull back. I didn't get the paranormal feel yet but of course you don't have to set it up in the first 250 words, though I wouldn't be surprised with the rain and the tension filled car if there was an accident. Or am I getting way ahead of myself?<br />- Sophia.Sophiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17926811798176739307noreply@blogger.com