The fabulous Brenda Drake is hosting a contest on her blog and I am jumping in for the fun of it (I mean, what better reason, right?). All participants are to post the first line from their completed manuscript (any genre). As followers of the blog, it's your job to critique said first line to make it the best it can be.
So here's the first line of Between, my young adult paranormal romance:
Ravi's lips were soft and familiar against mine, but my mind was elsewhere, obsessing about my upcoming finals.
What do you think? Leave your comments below. Skip over to Brenda's blog to check out the other entries and provide feedback on one-liners all across the web!
Special thanks to agent Weronika Janczuk for providing page crits to the winners!
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I really like this line. Great writing...I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
While the thoughts expressed are interesting and intriguing, consider changing the language to be more active. Replacing "to be" verbs wherever possible can punch it up a bit.
ReplyDeleteHmm... I liked the beginning of the sentence, but not sure I'd buy into the last part. What teenager would rather study than kiss? Okay... wait... maybe that makes it a good first line. Hmm. Okay. I'd keep reading. ha.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great first line! I'd love to keep reading :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
Must be some important tests if even a kiss can't distract!
ReplyDeleteI like this line, but I'm not sure it has enough punch for me. I wonder too why the test is distracting. But I guess if I'm questioning her/his motives then the line has done it's job. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I like the first line. Why? Because I'm thinking she's not that into the guy if her school work could distract her from his Kiss. His lips are familiar, which means they've been together too long. Now I'm wondering, is there going to be a bad boy that comes along and can distract her from school? Hmm... Good luck and don't forget to post your polished line in the comment area of the contest post on my blog. :D
ReplyDeleteP.S. Sorry for the graphic - it shrinks and you have to enlarge it while posting. :(
ReplyDeleteNice imagery, but I don't really get any conflict, no reason to read on.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was great. My first instinct was to say to focus more on the kiss, but obviously your MC isn't so this is appropriate. I want to know why she's not into the kiss, what has her so distracted about finals, all great reasons to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHow about a hint of why her mind's on finals? I like the line and would certainly read on, but am thinking if you put in a little more tension it would ramp up the stakes. Maybe something along the lines of "but my mind obsessed about where finals could take me," or "what would happen after finals."
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone for your comments! And especially to Brenda for such a fun blogfest idea! :)
ReplyDeleteCyndi
I'm not sure if this opening has the impact you would want. Still, I'd be curious to read on and find out about the main characters.
ReplyDeleteI like this first line, and I am already getting a feel for her character. Starting with a kiss is unusual I think - do many people do that? - and it's actually a great place to start. I mean it's right in the middle of a scene, isn't it. It may not start with ACTION but it's starting in the middle of some action, you know? Great job. I think the second half of the sentence, about studying could be made a little punchier, I feel like she's going to have an ironic sense of humour and you could really go with that (if I'm right, of course).
ReplyDeleteGreat job though. :)